Journey to Joy

*This is the first post in a series called Journey to Joy.

Growing up I never knew I was culturing and practicing an unhealthy habit called worry. My thoughts always revolved around my brain since I was a little girl and that was normal for me. I would read Matthew 6:25 and think, I have food; I have clothes; I’m good! Plus, I have a bright and bubbly personality, so surely I was the least likely to struggle with my thoughts and emotions. However, any unrenewed mind is susceptible to the way of the world; a way filled with anxiety, stress, and overburden. By the time I had children, I felt as though a weight like a cat was laying on my chest. In my mid twenties I realized I was struggling with general anxiety.

In the Bible, God promises a life in Christ filled with spiritual riches like joy, peace, and satisfaction. Yet oftentimes, Christians find themselves in the space between the promise and fulfillment. This space between can be described as a wilderness experience. In the darkness of the wilderness, it seems as though God is distant and life can be very difficult. However, the moment we accept faith to believe God has saved us, the Holy Spirit comes and dwells in us. God is always present, protecting, guiding, and loving us.

Leading us through the wilderness is an act of divine love and grace. It is in the wilderness where God trains us into unbroken fellowship with Him. It is in the wilderness where God purifies our faith. It is where He deals with our sin so we can walk victoriously above the flesh. 

My natural way was that of fear and anxiety, but in the wilderness the Lord drew me out of the world and wooed me back into a loving relationship with Him. I knew anxiety wasn’t from Him, but the result of sin in my flesh. I believed a life filled with anxiousness wasn’t what God intended for me. I chose to believe that God is good, and wants good things for me. I chose to believe He was allowing me to struggle for my good, and that the struggle was there for a purpose.

Hebrews 12:4-11 says God is treating us as His children, and as His children He disciplines us. Let’s read this passage in The Message version:

"In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?

'My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,

but don’t be crushed by it either.

It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;

the child he embraces, he also corrects.'

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God."

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Spiritual Training

*This is the second post in a series called Journey to Joy. To start from the beginning click here.

For ten years I prayed the Lord would take away the anxiety and for ten years I chose to believe He was allowing my condition to continue in order to train me. Interestingly enough, like so many of the Biblical characters, God had led our family into a physical wilderness. We moved to a house on fourteen wooded acres. The house was located a half mile off the main road and we were completely separated from other houses by trees. God had set us apart and was sanctifying us for His use.

 

Anyone who struggles with difficulties such as anxiety, depression, or any other emotional disturbance, readily admits there is a physical component to the struggle. I asked my doctor and he suggested medication, but I was nursing my son and didn’t want to go down that road. I knew I could also address the issue through vigorous exercise. I had always wanted to run a marathon, so I took the opportunity to train.

Admittedly, I was a bit obsessed. Training for a marathon is intense, and I used my anxiety to focus and discipline me. The demand of running also caused me to become more aware of the food I ate, what I drank, how much I drank, and my sleep routine. It was an all-inclusive plan. God was teaching me how to take care of my body, His temple. The running was bringing me to a place where my mind was settled and He could influence my thoughts.

Before moving to the property, I had always lived in the suburbs. I was constantly immersed in people’s ideas about how I should and should not live my life. Some of these influences were of God and some were of the spirit of the world. As a young Christian, I had little discernment to know which voices were from God. Suddenly, all the influences stopped, and I was left alone in the woods with nothing but my thoughts and God. He began to train my brain.

At the time, I was reading “The Message” version of the Bible. I found I could identify with the language used. It flowed more like a story and I began to recognize my own story through the words written on the page. God taught me that if I could worry, I could meditate on His Word. He replaced my fleshly thoughts with things from above (Col. 3:12). He taught me to recognize when my thoughts were becoming toxic, when they were a burden to my soul, and to change my mind to what was right (Phil. 4:8). Through the Bible, He taught me what His thoughts are, and I began to see through a new lens. I would struggle through my own thoughts until I found the truth. In this way, I could throw out the lies polluting my mind. I was new to spiritual discernment, so it took considerable quiet time with the Lord. But the freedom from oppressive lies was such a relief, I was drawn to God’s presence.

As a result of accepting God’s thoughts and believing Him, thanksgiving rose from my inner parts. This type of response to God’s personal Word is seen all throughout the Bible. David would express deep worship and praise through the Psalms, writing clear expressions of thanksgiving during some of the most difficult trials of his life. Mary exploded in a magnificent song of worship in Luke 1:46-55. The Lord puts His joy in His servants, and puts a new song in their mouth. I began to feel how good God is. Joy bubbled up like a fountain within.

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Obedient Lifestyle

*This is the third post in the series, Journey to Joy. To start from the beginning, click here.

Perhaps the most profound way God used the wilderness to train me was to teach me about His will. John 4:34 (ESV) says, “Jesus said to them, ‘My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.’” Jesus is speaking on a spiritual level, and the food He speaks of nourishes abundant life. Jesus came to live in physical form to show us how to live life completely in sync with God through the Holy Spirit. We cannot experience His presence, His pleasure, and His life without obedience to the Holy Spirit. All throughout the Old Testament, the prophets wrote that God will put His law within our hearts (Psalm 40:8), and the Holy Spirit is revealing His law to each of us in a very personal way. God desires to have an intimate relationship with us in which He can speak to us about the details of our life.

Often we see God’s will as a destination, something to be found and hit like a target. However, I was beginning to see His will as a way, or a flow. He is a living and breathing God, constantly moving in our midst. I began to think about His Spirit as a steady moving train. I had the opportunity, even obligation, to move and flow with Him. I found that I could hop on and enjoy the ride, or hop off and act independently. It was when I tried to do it on my own that I experienced loneliness, guilt, fear, and other feelings of judgement. When I was doing life with Him, according to the prompting and empowerment of the Holy Spirit, I experienced peace, joy, and satisfaction in life. I was becoming more and more sensitive to His presence.

God used my anxiety and sensitive nature to train me to move with the Holy Spirit in obedience as a lifestyle. He was teaching me to worship Him in every moment of my life. Learning to follow His promptings was a bit mechanical at first. I would get going in my day, doing my thing, and when the anxiety swelled, I would stop and submit to God. I would ask Him what He would have me do in that moment, and listen for His answer. During these early stages, it would simply be an inclination, or leaning, on my heart. Like most people, I wouldn’t know for sure if this was God or my own desires, but with a willing heart and teachable spirit I remained open to whichever direction He was leading. I trusted He would redirect me if I erred.

Once I began to recognize His promptings, He would give me small tasks. He’d prompt me to drop someone a note or invite a stranger to join us on a ride at Kings Island. It’s these little things the Lord uses to teach us to recognize His prompting and to live according to His will. As we mature, we simply flow in Him naturally, and the relationship becomes less mechanical.

One thing I had to let go of was the need to understand. I had to be willing to make a mistake, and I had to put down my natural tendency to argue. With a logical mind, I had developed a habit of reasoning away His promptings when it didn’t make sense. I had to resist the fear that caused me to tell God, “I can’t, and here’s why.” Fear and pride had become a stumbling block which caused me to disobey. I had a big fear of what people would think and a fear of looking foolish or dumb. I needed to get over myself in order to do God’s will. What I found with great joy was that understanding often came after obedience. Once I understood God’s perspective, the thoughts of other people began to loose their grip on me. God was more interested in my trust. Wisdom and insight flowed in abundance as a result of obedience to the Holy Spirit.

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Joyful Life

*This is the last post in the series, Journey to Joy. To start from the beginning, click here.

The anxiety was an indication I wasn’t walking with God in my new nature. Not only does He tell us what to do, but He shows us how to do it. In this way, it is His strength which fuels our action. Depending on our personality and individual tendencies, we may be inclined to run ahead of God. So often we receive direction only to run ahead in our own effort. We exhaust ourselves trying to do God’s will and experience burn-out as a result. In this way, we work for God and not with God. I was learning to lean my entire nature into Him, and allowing Him to empower me to live my life. My own nature was broken by sin; I only wanted to do life in Him. I was learning to walk at His pace, not the frenetic pace of the world. I found I had plenty of energy to do what I needed to do, simply by humbly submitting to His way continually.

As I enjoyed His presence, His comfort, and His peace, I craved to do His will more and more. The temptation to do my own thing melted away as I experienced a whole new way of living, a way filled with the things my soul truly longed for. I could taste and see for myself that the Lord is good, and my fleshly desires were increasingly less appealing. I was becoming more focused and attached to the Spirit of God.

Since I was prone to anxiety by nature, the only way to experience freedom every day was to live out of my new nature. God replaces our DNA with Christ’s and we walk into our new nature by being led and empowered by the Holy Spirit. God exchanges our spirit with His Spirit, and we learn to live out of our renewed spirit. The Spirit trains us into unbroken fellowship with God and we experience new life, a joyful life, in Christ. Hallelujah!

Show Me Your Glory!

Several years ago I started asking God to show me His glory. I figured if Moses did it, so could I! I don’t think I understood what I was asking. I thought I was asking for a vision, a picture or dream of His Presence. I thought I was praying for an experience which would sharpen my sense of His spiritual presence; a sort of spiritual tuning if you will. But glory is so much more. God’s glory is heavenly reality breaking into the reality of our world. It is the manifestation of His power so that all men can see and know I AM.

Never would I have guessed what God had in mind for our family. We were living on 14 wooded acres at the time. There was nothing to be seen but trees upon trees, and perhaps an occasional black Angus cow at the farm next door. One summer afternoon I picked the children up from camp and brought them and a friend home. I sent the kids outside as I prepared dinner.  Suddenly, our oldest boy came to me in hysterics. He tended to be a bit dramatic, so I quickly tried to defuse the situation. I calmly asked him what was wrong and steadily went for my shoes.

“No! You must hurry!” he yelled. “A tree fell on Holly!”

Trying not to panic, I found my boots and started out to the back woods. As I began the trek down the path, I could see our son’s friend guiding Holly toward the house. I broke into a run. Her nose was clearly broken as a large, dark bubble was forming on the side. I braced her feeble body and she weakly said, “Mom, it hurts so bad.” You know it’s bad when a child doesn't have the energy to cry.

I got her back to the house and laid her on the floor. The boys raced to find her a pillow and did all they could to comfort her. I called my husband and informed him Holly was badly injured. I thought I would go to our county hospital to get her nose x-rayed. The boys and I gingerly laid Holly on the floor of our minivan, complete with blankets and pillows. I remember feeling concerned about the blood choking her and giving her some ibuprofen for pain.

I called my son’s friend’s mom and told her a small tree had fallen on Holly’s head, just nine years old at the time. The tree was partially broken so Holly was swinging on it like a bar. When she swung, the trunk broke loose and fell on her face. My son and his friend, both age eleven, rushed to either side and lifted the tree enough for her to scoot out from under. Thankfully she lost consciousness only for a moment. I let the friend’s mom know her son was waiting at our house with my boys. Later she said my voice was monotone, like a robot. There was no emotion, no inflection in my words. Just information.

Twenty-five minutes later we arrived at the emergency room. I went to the back of the van to get Holly and to my horror her whole face was swelling and her eyes were filling with blood. I braced her little body once more and we walked through the doors. The moment seemed to last forever as the receptionist looked at Holly and I looked at the receptionist. I was speechless. Finally I mumbled, “A tree fell on her head,” and realized we were at the wrong place. Our county hospital was not set up for severe trauma.

Life seemed to be moving in slow motion as the nurses grabbed a wheelchair and wheeled Holly back to a room. I rested a moment against the wall outside and just breathed. It was a whirlwind as nurses rushed around, not exactly sure how to handle the situation. Unexpectedly, one snapped a picture on her phone and whipped it around to show Holly.  Wait, why was that necessary?

All at once, the swirl of activity left the room. Alone together, Holly looked at me and asked, “How is this all going to heal?” Without skipping a beat I looked my little girl straight in the eyes and said, “Perfectly.”

The doctor came in and announced they would be taking Holly for a CT scan. More rushing and Holly was gone. “Oh my God!” I realized, “Her brain could be bleeding!” I heard God’s calming voice say, “Her brain is fine, but she will go to Cincinnati for surgery.”

I don’t remember much of what the doctor said except that his words were strangely a relief. I could hear that Holly was going to be alright. They prepped her for an IV filled with morphine and we were to be transported by ambulance to Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. Getting the IV inserted was difficult and the trip by ambulance simply dreadful during rush hour. But the moment we hit the doors in Cincinnati we were in excellent hands. One by one, the medical specialists all came to say Holly would be fine. There had to have been five or six of them. One by one, they all cleared Holly to leave the hospital. Again, this told me Holly was going to be okay.

By this time Holly didn’t even look human. Have you ever seen pictures of people after plastic surgery, their face so grossly swollen and bandaged that you can’t recognize them? This was our Holly. And this is what my husband walked in to see.

“Aww. . .” He said tenderly as he entered the room. Thankfully she was sleeping since not a soul could control their emotion when they walked in and saw her condition.

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